littlebattles | IC contact for lastvoyages

And how am I supposed to do that? They're in the past. They're all related to a world that I never want to see again.

[Her eyes drift back to the file.]

You really read all of it?

Yes. I need to know as much as I can so I can help you.

[She sighs, pulling her legs up against her chest and wrapping both arms around them. This is a conundrum. She'd spent some time considering what to do if she landed a warden who'd insist on reading her file, and her preferred option would have been to work to erode the Barge's trust in them: to make everybody think that her warden was unstable, or even malicious, so that if they decided to out her in any way they'd be less likely to be believed. But that won't work with Thomas, she knows. Not only has he been onboard for a long time and is both well-liked and well-trusted, he's a close and trusted friend of Harry, who's even more entrenched in Barge life.

She is, at least for the moment, at a complete loss for how to handle this.]

What are you going to tell people?

[She says dully.]

[This was not at all what he expected. He takes a moment to marshal his thoughts.]

About your file? Nothing. I've seen no proof you're an immediate danger.

[This should be good news - she doesn't consider herself to be a danger, after all. But the fact remains that he now knows that she's been lying about her past to everyone else onboard, and she can't help but feel like she should be waiting for the other shoe to drop.]

And that's it? I'm not a danger to anyone, and that's the only thing that matters to you?

[It sounds too good to be true.]

That's the only reason I'd tell anyone else what's in your file, yes. I believe that, for this to work, you have to trust me. And me running my mouth about your past all over the ship isn't very trustworthy.

But you're going to try to convince me that I need to tell everyone the truth myself?

[That's where she assumes this is going, at least.]

That would probably be a good idea... eventually. Pushing you to do so now wouldn't do much good, I think.

[He's not happy she's been lying about who she is, but as she's not a mutinous asshole, he sees no inherent danger about it.]

Thanks.

[She fully and completely disagrees with that, but decides not to fight him on that for now. This "eventually" will, she hopes, be easier to keep kicking down the line than "I'll have to read your file eventually" was.]

So you understand? Everything I've done-- I didn't have a choice in any of it, not really.

[He decides that "Who can say anyone has a choice?" is needlessly philosophical.]

I understand how you would come to that conclusion. Your hand did often seem forced.

It was.

[She leans forward eagerly, clasping her hands in front of her.]

Thank you for understanding that. I-- my file--

[She pauses to swallow; to catch her breath.]

I didn't read the whole thing while I had it. I wasn't sure how obvious everything would be to someone who didn't have to live it.

[She'd had plenty of time to read the file, and had in fact intended to read it cover to cover. But then she'd gotten to the description of the security guard and the airlock and everything that had happened there, and she'd had to put it down. She'd been trying to work up the courage to go back to it when Thomas had showed up to collect it.]

[He tries to choose his words carefully. He wants to explain how he feels about her actions, but he doesn't want her to close off from him, either.]

You have done things I do not approve of. Yet, I have been in situations where hopelessness and desperation could drive any man... or woman to desperate actions. A tired, despairing mind can convince itself that many things, however terrible, are necessary. That does not mean that they cannot change their path, however hard that would be.

And I do.

[Still eagerly, still leaning forward.]

I've been here for six months, and I haven't caused any trouble. I haven't done a single bad thing.

[You know, other than lying about her identity, lying about her backstory, pretending to be a warden, getting Thomas drunk for the purposes of gaining access to his cabin under the guise of helping him home, sneaking into his cabin again later, stealing her file, and seriously contemplating the possibility of attempting to convince the rest of the wardens that he's is unhinged and lying should he decide to out her. Just normal things.]

[He chews that over.]

Nothing terrible, no. You did lie, repeatedly. And steal your file.

I know.

[She glances down at her hands, looking contrite.]

But you understand why I needed to?

[He sighs.]

No, to be honest, I don't. You had a fresh start here, you didn't need to lie to compound that. And stealing your file... I wouldn't have used it to hurt you. I swear.

[Just reading it is using it to hurt me, she thinks but doesn't say.]

I do have a fresh start. I'm taking that seriously. And I'm using it to become who I might have been, if so many things in my old life hadn't gotten in my way.

[He frowns at her phrasing.]

You say that like everything that happened was someone else's fault.

Not all of it. I know that sometimes things just-- happen.

[The only options in the world: someone else's fault, or no one's fault.]

But nothing that you did? Ever?

[He understands things done in desperation or despair. He does not appreciate people trying to deny responsibility. At all.]

No, that's not--

[She stutters, fingers worrying at the edge of her hammock.]

Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.

Of course they do.

[He reaches out to her.]

I like you, June, I do. I think you're a lovely woman. But you have a bad habit of dodging responsibility.

[She hesitates, but lets him take her hand.]

Is there always going to be a catch with your compliments?

[She asks dryly.]

Not always.

[He squeezes her hand.]

Just when I'm making a point.

I think we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

IC contact for lastvoyages

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