IC contact for lastvoyages

[littlebattles]

[If I don't have an active post up, feel free to use this post to have your character call, videochat, text, or knock on June's door.]

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[littlebattles]

I--

[She pauses. Gulps. Considers just hanging up and not answering at all; considers going through with her plan to just not think about it. But if she does that, she knows he'll just track her down.]

Literally speaking, Arthur. Tess attacked me during the flood and turned me into some sort of zombie. Arthur was the next person I ran across. It wasn't my fault--

[But it wasn't really Arthur's, either. He'd killed her in self-defense, and in doing so, he'd stopped her from being a mindless monster.]

[fork_off]

But it's also Tess's fault, isn't it? If she hadn't attacked you, you wouldn't have been the... zombie thing.

[littlebattles]

Sure. Which means it's the flood's fault. She was a zombie thing, too.

-- Do you know what a zombie is?

[fork_off]

If it's the flood's fault, it's the Admiral's fault, too.

No, I don't know what a zombie is.

[littlebattles]

Never seen a zombie movie? You're missing out.

[God, she's never going to be able to rewatch some of her cult horror favorites, is she.]

But fine, it's the Admiral's fault. And that's where the trail ends, because blaming him is always a dead end.

[fork_off]

I haven't seen a lot of movies. It comes from living in the 1840s.

No, it's not just the Admiral's fault. Something can be more than one person's fault. There's often no easy way to point at one person and deem them responsible for everything that happened.

[littlebattles]

We literally lost our minds. I remember what that felt like. We had no choice.

[God, why is she defending Tess, of all people? All floods aside, Tess is a troublemaking asshole.]

I know I say that a lot. Trust me when I say that this time, I had even less choice than usual.

[fork_off]

Oh, I don't doubt that. I certainly wouldn't have defecated as... widely as I did if I hadn't been a bird.

My point is that responsibility and blame are not always clear cut. And it can rest on more than one person.

[littlebattles]

Can I be honest?

I don't really care who it rests on, as long as it doesn't rest on me.

[fork_off]

[He sighs.]

I don't think that this particular situation can be rested on your shoulders, but you do seem to dislike responsibility.

[Perhaps that's overly harsh, but he's not really in a kind mood right now. And he has noticed the pattern.]

[littlebattles]

It's more complicated than that.

[It absolutely isn't more complicated than that, when one gets down to the brass tacks.]

Do you think I don't know that I put myself first? That I've hurt other people to help myself? That's not the problem. Everybody does that, whether they admit it or not. The problem is that I do admit it--

[Says the woman who spent six months pretending to be a warden, and who still routinely lies about her own backtory. June only admits to her own selfish nature when she has to - when she's backed into a corner, and her lies catch up to her to the point that she can't run from them anymore.]

-- and admitting it makes me an easy target. It makes other people see me as a bad person, and seeing me as a bad person means they think I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong around me.

[fork_off]

If I had never read your file, would you have ever told me about the man who died in that airlock? Or about your sister?

[littlebattles]

I wouldn't have wanted you to judge me.

[And it would have interfered with her desire not to think about it. Even just the mention of Airlock Guy now sends a cold shiver running down her spine.]

[fork_off]

Even though that's part of my job.

[littlebattles]

If being judged, hated, and mistrusted could redeem me, I would have been redeemed in my twenties.

If I wasn't getting you your deal, would you even talk to me, or would you be too disgusted?

[fork_off]

Of course I'd talk to you. I'm not the sort to judge people too harshly on their pasts.

[With June it's different, though, because he thinks she has to face hers to get better. If she weren't his inmate, he'd be less likely to give advice at all.]

[littlebattles]

But would you advocate for me? Tell other people I'm trustworthy?

I'm in a bind, Thomas. The Admiral won't let me graduate if I'm not honest about who I am--

[And boy, has it ever taken her a long time to accept that fact.]

-- but if I'm honest about who I am, I'll never really be free of my past. I don't understand how I'm supposed to move forward here.

[fork_off]

[At least she knows that much.]

Yes, I would defend you. I'd defend you now, too.

But... are you free of your past now? Even if no one else knows, you do. I believe the way to move past it is to be honest and show that you've changed. Not everyone will trust you, but, well, some people are arseholes.

[littlebattles]

You're not going to ask me to make a network announcement about it, are you?

[fork_off]

Oh, God, no. I don't think that would help, really. But if you could find someone you could trust and perhaps open up to them? That could be a start.

[littlebattles]

I open up to you. That's not enough?

[fork_off]

I think it would be better if you had more emotional connections than just me, yes.

[littlebattles]

I've talked to Arthur and Kiryu.

[Sort... of?]

[fork_off]

That's certainly a good start. Do you like them?

[littlebattles]

Sure.

[She says the word automatically; almost dismissively. Then, a little softer--]

They're good people.